Try!

I am 43 and I have never tried in my life.  Well, I should qualify that a little.  I have tried.  I try every day.  In the spaces I feel comfortable and in the areas I’m convinced I can succeed, I try.  I try to score goals and make great passes in soccer.  I try to complete the crosswords I begin.  I try to do well in my jobs, and I try to be a good person.  In the circumstances I find myself, and particularly when I feel comfortable, I try.

The terrain of my life, on the other hand, has not been crafted by my hand.  I take what is given to me, and work within those constraints and spaces.  Never have I looked for a job that would suit me, or really taken on the effort of improving myself to become as skilled as possible in a certain role.  I’ve taken what has been offered.  I toured Europe and North America in a band, through no fault of my own.  I was asked to join.  I accepted and went along for an amazing ride that I had very little part in creating.  Since then, I’ve lived a life that I do not find fulfilling.  I have worked as a carpenter for the past 12 years.  I am good at it.  I am sought out for it.  The only joy I find in it comes from the people with whom I have worked, and the friends I have made.

Two realizations have hit me hard today.  One is that of extreme gratitude.  I have lived.  I have loved.  I have had experiences that many people would envy.  I am intensely grateful for these occurrences, and for those who saw something in me that had them see fit to include me in their exploits.   I have had a rich life through the people I have known.

Secondly, I have determined to try.  I have determined to create the circumstances of my life from here on in.  I can no longer live at the whim of others, or in the world as they have created it, rather, I am intent on living a life I enjoy, regardless of the effort involved.  The journey to here has taken, well, 43 years, but my awakening began 8 weeks ago through what I perceived as a crisis.  Now I see it as a window to my dysfunction, which I have been forced to look at and assess.  Finally.

This blog is the beginning of the effort to create a new life.  I will recount the circumstances and processes that have brought me to where I am, and also would like to share what I am learning and where I am going.  It is my journey from being numb to actually being alive.

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