I am 43 and I have never tried in my life. Well, I should qualify that a little. I have tried. I try every day. In the spaces I feel comfortable and in the areas I’m convinced I can succeed, I try. I try to score goals and make great passes in soccer. I try to complete the crosswords I begin. I try to do well in my jobs, and I try to be a good person. In the circumstances I find myself, and particularly when I feel comfortable, I try.
The terrain of my life, on the other hand, has not been crafted by my hand. I take what is given to me, and work within those constraints and spaces. Never have I looked for a job that would suit me, or really taken on the effort of improving myself to become as skilled as possible in a certain role. I’ve taken what has been offered. I toured Europe and North America in a band, through no fault of my own. I was asked to join. I accepted and went along for an amazing ride that I had very little part in creating. Since then, I’ve lived a life that I do not find fulfilling. I have worked as a carpenter for the past 12 years. I am good at it. I am sought out for it. The only joy I find in it comes from the people with whom I have worked, and the friends I have made.
Two realizations have hit me hard today. One is that of extreme gratitude. I have lived. I have loved. I have had experiences that many people would envy. I am intensely grateful for these occurrences, and for those who saw something in me that had them see fit to include me in their exploits. I have had a rich life through the people I have known.
Secondly, I have determined to try. I have determined to create the circumstances of my life from here on in. I can no longer live at the whim of others, or in the world as they have created it, rather, I am intent on living a life I enjoy, regardless of the effort involved. The journey to here has taken, well, 43 years, but my awakening began 8 weeks ago through what I perceived as a crisis. Now I see it as a window to my dysfunction, which I have been forced to look at and assess. Finally.
This blog is the beginning of the effort to create a new life. I will recount the circumstances and processes that have brought me to where I am, and also would like to share what I am learning and where I am going. It is my journey from being numb to actually being alive.